Bonus Mini Series - Hero Toolshed - 1401 - Constructive Critique

 

 

Learning the Art of Constructive Critique: A Conversation with My Son

Parenting is such an interesting mix of trial and error, isn’t it? We want to teach our kids important life skills, but sometimes, we learn just as much from them along the way. Recently, I had a conversation with my 9-year-old that got me thinking about how we handle boundaries and feedback in our family. What started as a simple chat about “Constructive Critique” turned into a deeper reflection on how we give feedback—and how we can make it more effective.

The idea of Constructive Critique comes up in our school from time to time, especially when learners grapple with setting boundaries in a kind but firm way. The conversation with my son brought some fresh insights into this topic, particularly around the idea of giving feedback that actually helps improve behavior, rather than just causing defensiveness.

The Tricky Nature of Giving Feedback

We’ve all been there, right? Someone does something that crosses a line—maybe they interrupt you for the tenth time, or they don’t follow through on something you’ve asked—and your first instinct is to snap, “Can you please stop?” It feels immediate and necessary in the moment. But we all know how that goes: frustration builds, the other person feels attacked, and nothing really changes.

That’s where Constructive Critique comes in. It’s about finding a middle ground where you can communicate your needs clearly and kindly, while still holding firm to your boundaries. And, as our convo reminded me, it’s not just about telling someone to stop—it’s about offering a way forward.

The Two "Flavors" of Constructive Critique

Our conversation landed on two different approaches—or “flavors,” as we started calling them—when it comes to giving constructive feedback.

Flavor “A”:  PATHOS

The first approach focuses on emotions. You know the classic, “When you do this, I feel that” format? It turns out that’s still a pretty powerful tool, especially when you’re trying to communicate in a way that maintains the relationship.
 
It goes something like this:
  • Say their name—to get their attention and make it personal.
  • Point out the action—“When you leave your clothes on the floor...”
  • Express your feelings—“...it makes me feel frustrated.”
  • Offer a path forward—“Next time, can you please hang them up instead?”
What struck me is how this approach opens up a space for conversation rather than conflict. It lets the other person know how their actions are impacting you without making them feel attacked. It invites them to understand your feelings and hopefully consider changing their behavior. My son was quick to grasp how using specific actions and emotions helps the other person see the impact in real time.

Ending with a path forward in the form of a question also opens up the possibility for a two-way conversation with the receiver. With this approach, there is a wide range of productive responses available that allow the receiver the opportunity to act heroically, regardless of how they feel about the feedback they are receiving.
 
Here are some examples:
  • “Heard.” The receiver is not compelled to agree, but at the very least, can acknowledge that they heard the giver.
  • “OK” / “Yes”
  • “No, because [additional information the giver may not have known or acknowledged]. So what about next time I [specific action] instead?” (Aaaaaand now you have a conversation! Negotiating boundaries with others in a way that strengthens the relationship is a superpower worthy of developing!)

Flavor “B”:  ETHOS

The second approach is more about accountability. At our school, my son and his fellow learners have something called a “Studio Contract,” which is basically a list of promises that the learners make to each other about how they will interact with each other. When someone breaks one of those promises, they can utilize this framework to challenge their friend to take responsibility for their choices and uphold the commitments they’ve made to themselves and the Studio.

Here’s how that works:

  • Say their name—again, to make it personal.
  • Point out the action—“When you run around in the Studio...”
  • Call out the broken promise—“...that breaks our promise to Be Safe.”
  • Offer a way forward—“Next time, can you please use walking feet while you are inside instead?”

This approach felt different because it wasn’t about feelings—it was about keeping promises. It’s a more objective way of holding someone accountable to something they previously agreed to. It’s less about navigating tricky emotions and more about appealing to the person’s sense of fairness and responsibility.

When Do You Use This Framework?

This was the part where I found myself reflecting on when it’s actually time to step in and offer this kind of feedback. We talked about how it’s not always necessary to jump in at the first sign of trouble—sometimes, people (kids and adults alike) need space to course-correct on their own. But if a line keeps getting crossed or gentle reminders aren’t working, that’s when Constructive Critique can be really helpful.

It’s about more than just getting someone to stop doing something. It’s about showing them why their actions matter and how they affect others. And that’s a powerful lesson—one I’m still figuring out how to model myself.

Flipping the Script: Can We Use Constructive Critique for Positive Reinforcement?

The conversation took an interesting turn when my son suggested, “What if we used this for positive feedback too?” It got me thinking—why not? What if, instead of just focusing on behaviors we’d like to stop, we also use this framework to encourage behaviors we want to see more of?

For example: “When you help with dinner, I feel really supported. Do you think you can do that again tomorrow?” It’s a way to reinforce the good things while still keeping that clear, structured approach to help the receiver directly tie specific actions and choices to the positive impact they have on the relationship.

I haven’t fully fleshed it out yet, but I suspect there are a few flavors of these as well…that probably involve a plug-n-play of that last part…like what if we called it "Constructive Praise" and went something like:

  • GRATITUDE: “When you…I feel… Thank you.”
  • REQUEST: “When you…I feel…Do you think you can…?”
  • LEVEL-UP OPPORTUNITY: “When you…I feel…I wonder if we could/What if…”

I think this could be a whole other podcast episode….and it’s especially cool because this version of Constructive Critique already has a place to live! Perhaps it can sit alongside our Growth Mindset Praise (GMP) and/or serve as tool we can use to deliver “Warm” feedback via our Feedback Cafe Frameworks.

Reflecting on Boundaries (and Still Learning Along the Way)

As with all things in parenting, this is a work in progress. Some days, I feel like I’m managing boundaries and feedback with grace; other days, I’m just trying to keep my head above water. But what I took from this conversation with my son is that giving feedback—whether it’s about broken promises or hurt feelings—can be an invitation to engage in a conversation centered around understanding each other better and moving forward in a way that actually strengthens our relationship, rather than damaging it.

So, for now, I’m going to keep experimenting with these two flavors of Constructive Critique. It’s not always going to be perfect, but I’m learning. And if I can teach my kids (and myself) how to give feedback with both kindness and accountability, maybe we’ll all be a little better for it.

Your Turn: Try It Out

Here’s a thought—why not try using one of these approaches the next time you need to give feedback? Whether it’s a request to change behavior or even just acknowledging something positive, experiment with it. I’m curious to see how it plays out for you, and hey, we’re all figuring it out together, right?
 

Other Podcast Episodes

There's more where that came from :-) Check out other Noodles in the Sandbox episodes wherever you get your podcasts!

About the Author

Angela is passionate about reshaping the way kids learn and grow. As the co-founder of Acton Academy Northwest Austin, Angela is dedicated to fostering a learner-driven environment where curiosity thrives and students take ownership of their educational journeys. When not working with young heroes, they’re often exploring big ideas on education, parenting, and lifelong learning right here on the blog.

Want to learn more about our innovative approach to education? Check out Acton Academy Northwest Austin to see how we’re redefining school for the next generation of curious thinkers and independent learners.