The Power of Discomfort in Parenting: Why Letting Your Kids Struggle Might Be the Best Thing You Can Do
Let’s face it—parenting can feel like a constant tug-of-war between wanting to protect your kids and knowing they need to experience hardship to grow. One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to stand back while your child faces discomfort, whether it’s boredom, frustration, or outright failure. But here’s the thing: discomfort is a necessary ingredient in the recipe for growth.When I say "discomfort," I’m not talking about danger or trauma, obviously. I’m talking about those small, everyday struggles—like figuring out a puzzle, sitting with boredom, or dealing with the frustration of not getting something right the first time. As a parent, it's natural to want to step in and make it all better, but there’s a delicate balance here. Step in too soon, and you might be robbing them of valuable lessons. Step in too late, and you risk them getting overwhelmed.
So how do we find that balance? And more importantly, how can we use discomfort as a tool to help our kids become resilient, problem-solving adults?
Why Discomfort is Essential for Growth
Before we dive into how to handle discomfort, let’s look at why it’s important in the first place. When we’re uncomfortable, whether physically or mentally, we’re pushed out of our comfort zone, and that’s where real growth happens. It’s the classic "no pain, no gain" situation. Just think about it: we don’t learn much when everything is easy and predictable. It’s the challenging moments that teach us the most.This applies to our kids too. Sure, we could swoop in and tie their shoes when they’re struggling with the laces, but how will they ever learn if we don’t give them the chance to figure it out themselves? Discomfort teaches persistence, problem-solving, and resilience. It’s not fun in the moment, but it’s critical for long-term growth.
When to Step In (and When to Step Back)
So, how do you know when to step in and when to let your child struggle? This is one of the trickiest parts of parenting. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but a good rule of thumb is to assess whether the discomfort is leading to growth or if it’s becoming overwhelming.Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:
- Is this discomfort productive? If your child is struggling but still making progress, it’s probably a good idea to let them continue. Struggling with a math problem or trying to build a LEGO tower that keeps falling are examples of productive discomfort—they’re working toward a solution.
- Is my discomfort clouding my judgment? Sometimes, it’s not the child’s discomfort that’s the issue, but our own. Watching your kid struggle can trigger all sorts of emotions—impatience, anxiety, even guilt. But are you stepping in because they truly need help, or because you can’t stand to watch them struggle?
- Have they reached their limit? Everyone has a threshold for how much discomfort they can tolerate. If your child is getting frustrated to the point of tears or a meltdown, it might be time to step in—not necessarily to solve the problem, but to offer support and help them take a break.
The Role of Boredom
One of the easiest—and most frustrating—types of discomfort for parents to navigate is boredom. It’s that moment when your child whines, “I’m bored!” and stares at you like it’s your job to fix it. But boredom, as it turns out, is actually a gateway to creativity.Think of boredom as fertile ground for innovation. When kids are bored, their brains are free to wander, and that’s when new ideas and interests can spark. Instead of jumping in with suggestions or distractions, let your child sit with their boredom for a while.
One trick we’ve used at home is creating "creative constraints." When my kids complain of boredom, instead of handing them a screen, we roll a dice that gives them small challenges: "Find something to count," or "Make something with LEGO." It’s just enough structure to get their minds working, but not so much that we’re solving the problem for them.
Normalizing Discomfort: Growth Mindset and Beyond
Another powerful tool in navigating discomfort is helping kids understand that it’s normal—and even necessary—for growth. This is where the concept of a growth mindset comes in. Instead of focusing on outcomes, a growth mindset emphasizes effort and persistence. When your child is frustrated or feeling like they’re not "good" at something, remind them that learning is a process, and everyone struggles at some point.Here’s a simple "mad-lib" for Growth Mindset Praise:
- "[Name], I saw you [specific action]. I call that [specific character trait]." For example: "I saw you keep working on that puzzle even when it was tough. I call that Perseverance." This kind of feedback helps kids recognize that their efforts are what lead to success, not just natural talent.
Tracking Growth to Build Resilience
One way to help your child (and yourself) get more comfortable with discomfort is to track progress over time. When you can look back and see how much growth has happened, it makes the struggle feel more worthwhile. Keep a journal or just have regular conversations about moments when they’ve faced challenges and how they’ve overcome them. Reflect on how their “resilience balloon” has stretched—each challenge making it bigger and stronger.A Parent’s Discomfort: When to Let Go
Let’s be real—sometimes our kids’ discomfort isn’t the real issue. It’s our own. Whether it’s impatience, anxiety, or a need to control the outcome, there are plenty of reasons we step in too soon. But part of parenting is learning to tolerate your own discomfort, too.One thing that’s helped me is learning to trust my kids. Yes, they’ll struggle. Yes, they’ll fail sometimes. But they’re also incredibly resourceful and capable of figuring things out—if we let them. When you find yourself tempted to jump in and fix things, take a step back. Ask yourself, "Is this really about them, or is this about me?"
The Bottom Line: Embracing the Struggle
At the end of the day, discomfort is inevitable. But instead of seeing it as something to avoid, we can use it as a tool to help our kids grow. Whether it’s boredom, frustration, or failure, these moments are opportunities to build resilience, foster creativity, and teach important life skills.So the next time your child says, “I’m bored,” or struggles with a tough math problem, resist the urge to swoop in. Let them sit with that discomfort for a bit. You might be surprised at how they rise to the challenge.
Challenge of the Day:
After you finish reading, take a moment to reflect on a time when discomfort led to growth in your life. What did you learn from it? How has it shaped who you are today? Then, think about how you can help your child see discomfort as a stepping stone, not a roadblock. Maybe even start a family conversation about it over dinner!Good luck out there, and remember—discomfort is just part of the journey!
Our Podcast
There's more where that came from :-) Check out other Noodles in the Sandbox episodes wherever you get your podcasts!
About the Author
Angela is passionate about reshaping the way kids learn and grow. As the co-founder of Acton Academy Northwest Austin, Angela is dedicated to fostering a learner-driven environment where curiosity thrives and students take ownership of their educational journeys. When not working with young heroes, they’re often exploring big ideas on education, parenting, and lifelong learning right here on the blog.Want to learn more about our innovative approach to education? Check out Acton Academy Northwest Austin to see how we’re redefining school for the next generation of curious thinkers and independent learners.