The Victimhood Monster: Battling the Beast Within
We’ve all faced it at some point—the sneaky Victimhood Monster. It loves to creep into our lives uninvited, muttering "why me" and setting up camp in our minds. It thrives on helplessness, self-pity, and the delicious comfort of blaming others. If you’re anything like me, this monster can be particularly hard to beat, and if you’re raising young heroes, you’ve likely seen it rear its head in their lives, too.In a recent conversation with Andrew, my trusty co-explorer in this Monster mini-series, we unpacked this elusive foe. What started as a chat about tripping on pillows and muttering "the universe hates me" turned into a deeper exploration of what Victimhood really looks like—and how to defeat it.
What Is the Victimhood Monster?
The Victimhood Monster is tricky because it takes on many forms. Sometimes it’s the internal narrative of “nothing ever goes my way,” or “everyone is against me.” Other times, it shows up as passive-aggressiveness or blaming others for things we could change ourselves.Andrew described it as feeling like the whole world is out to get you—like every bump, bruise, or misstep is a personal attack. The Victimhood Monster thrives on those moments when we feel out of control, unseen, or unheard. It wraps us in a cocoon of “why me?!” and whispers, “why even try?”
Spotting the Signs
To battle this monster, we first need to recognize it. Some telltale signs include:- Complaining: A lot of complaints often indicate a perceived lack of control.
- Blaming Others: Shifting responsibility instead of owning our role in a situation.
- Feeling Helpless: A sense of powerlessness or “this will never change.”
- Loneliness: A deep, isolating belief that no one understands or cares.
When Are We Vulnerable?
The Victimhood Monster tends to strike when we feel overwhelmed or out of control. A mentor once told me, “Pay attention to what someone complains about—it reveals where they feel powerless.” That insight has stuck with me, not just in identifying my own struggles but also in helping my kids navigate theirs.Tools to Fight the Victimhood Monster
Fighting the Victimhood Monster takes a combination of self-awareness, habit-building, and a willingness to shift perspective. Here are some tools that Andrew and I discussed:1. Gratitude as a Secret Weapon
Gratitude is like garlic to this vampire of a monster. When we pause to name even the simplest things we’re thankful for—ten toes, running water, opposable thumbs—it’s harder for the Victimhood Monster to thrive. Gratitude shifts our focus from what we lack to what we have, grounding us in the present.
Gratitude is like garlic to this vampire of a monster. When we pause to name even the simplest things we’re thankful for—ten toes, running water, opposable thumbs—it’s harder for the Victimhood Monster to thrive. Gratitude shifts our focus from what we lack to what we have, grounding us in the present.
2. Mantras and Mindset Resets
Sometimes a simple reminder can help reframe our thinking. Phrases like “I’m not alone,” “I’ve got this,” or “I can’t control the wind, but I can adjust my sails” can be powerful in reclaiming our agency.
Sometimes a simple reminder can help reframe our thinking. Phrases like “I’m not alone,” “I’ve got this,” or “I can’t control the wind, but I can adjust my sails” can be powerful in reclaiming our agency.
3. Control What You Can
One of the biggest lessons we’ve learned is focusing on what we can control. Maybe we can’t change someone else’s actions, but we can choose how we respond. The act of reclaiming even a small piece of control can be incredibly empowering.
One of the biggest lessons we’ve learned is focusing on what we can control. Maybe we can’t change someone else’s actions, but we can choose how we respond. The act of reclaiming even a small piece of control can be incredibly empowering.
4. Lean on Allies
Having someone to hold you accountable—a “Running Partner,” as we call it—can make all the difference. Whether it’s a friend, a parent, or even a sibling, having someone remind you that you’re not alone and “you’ve got this” can break the Victimhood Monster’s hold.
Having someone to hold you accountable—a “Running Partner,” as we call it—can make all the difference. Whether it’s a friend, a parent, or even a sibling, having someone remind you that you’re not alone and “you’ve got this” can break the Victimhood Monster’s hold.
Helping Our Young Heroes
As parents, we can often be drawn to the frontlines of helping our children battle their Victimhood Monsters. Andrew pointed out that sometimes, young heroes just need to be reminded they’re not alone. Here are a few ways we can support them:- Model Gratitude: Share what you’re grateful for and invite them to do the same.
- Equip Them with Tools: Teach simple mantras or perspective shifts they can use when they’re feeling stuck.
- Cheer Them On: Encourage them to see themselves as capable and resourceful.
- Normalize Struggles: Remind them that everyone faces challenges, and they’re not alone in their feelings.
A Note on True Victimhood
At this point, it’s important to acknowledge that there are times when people are genuinely victims of unjust or harmful circumstances and we are in no way insinuating that those individuals are responsible for what has happened to them or downplay their life experience. These situations are fundamentally different and separate from what we are discussing.The Victimhood Monster we’re addressing here in the context of our conversation is the one that shows up in situations where we can take action or change our mindset, but choose not to. It’s about recognizing when we have the power to change our perspective or our actions and choosing to do so.
So, the next time you or your young hero hears that little voice whispering “why me?!,” try flipping the script. Ask, “What can I control here? What am I grateful for? And who’s got my back?” It’s not always easy, but with practice, we can keep the Victimhood Monster at bay—and maybe even turn it into a minor nuisance rather than a major roadblock.
The Ongoing Battle
Let’s be honest: this isn’t a one-and-done kind of fight. The Victimhood Monster is persistent and loves to pop up when we least expect it. But every time we practice gratitude, adjust our sails, or lean on our Allies, we chip away at its power.So, the next time you or your young hero hears that little voice whispering “why me?!,” try flipping the script. Ask, “What can I control here? What am I grateful for? And who’s got my back?” It’s not always easy, but with practice, we can keep the Victimhood Monster at bay—and maybe even turn it into a minor nuisance rather than a major roadblock.
Related to this Episode
- #Monsters Collection - Take a peek into the darker side of being a Hero. Do you recognize any of these scary beasts?
- #Hero'sJourney Collection - Explore how the timeless Hero's Journey narrative serves as the scaffolding for the stories we craft, share, and live—both with others and within ourselves.
- #HeroToolshed Collection - Take a peek at some of the key tools our Heroes use everyday to level up their skills and mindset.
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About the Author
Angela is passionate about reshaping the way kids learn and grow. As the co-founder of Acton Academy Northwest Austin,
Angela is dedicated to fostering a learner-driven environment where
curiosity thrives and students take ownership of their educational
journeys. When not working with young heroes, they’re often exploring
big ideas on education, parenting, and lifelong learning right here on
the blog.
Want to learn more about our innovative approach to education? Check out Acton Academy Northwest Austin to see how we’re redefining school for the next generation of curious thinkers and independent learners.
Want to learn more about our innovative approach to education? Check out Acton Academy Northwest Austin to see how we’re redefining school for the next generation of curious thinkers and independent learners.